At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
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