so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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