Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
