I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
