I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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