I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
