You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
