yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
