nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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