Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
we should paint friendship bongs
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