are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
