I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
