I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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