Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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