He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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