i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
