I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
