Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize