Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
