Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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