i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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