Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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