We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
