1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i think my mom watched the whole time
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
