Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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