On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize