hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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