Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Come on in and take your pants off
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