Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
