This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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