you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
