We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
