dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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