Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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