I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
