I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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