If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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