He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
