So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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