I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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