How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
