This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
