Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
