Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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