So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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