sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
