I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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