i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
