She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
so much tequila, so little girl.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize