He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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