Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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