my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
