i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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