There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
