fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
