Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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