My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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