Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
