Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
