I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
