Umm I'm too high to move.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He felt like a one man threesome
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
