"it" just moved
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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