he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
